Monday, December 8, 2008

So I sit here

Please be warned, I'm taking the term blogging to heart with this entry, don't worry I'll be fine. But there are no laughs here today.

4:20 pm - So I sit here Monday afternoon, having left work early. I'm on my couch wrapped in a pink fuzzy robe offering me no comfort, no warmth, no harbor. I'm thinking I know I'm not the only one to feel this way, but I feel as if I am. So this is depression. What's brought this on, this malaise, this apathy, this desire to not engage. I learned that my aunt has died of a heart attack, adding to the dwindling numbers of White's in this world. As my 38 birthday swiftly approaches I was clearly reminded that my family does not live beyond our 40s and my decision to commit more of my salary towards long term care insurance was a wise one. And here the spiral began, twisting and turning, faster, and tighter. I know it will end, I know I will recover, but it's so easy to lean into this and loosen my grip. In my younger years I would have balked at the idea of planning to care for myself, planning for a solo life. But that's the beauty of the future to predict it is impossible to derail it but a dream. But truth be told I live a life alone, and with this life I must plan and exist in this knowledge. I wondered this morning if I would be one of those sad sad newstories of a body found days even weeks later. If anyone would care. Who would I call if I fell ill, who would come? Morbid maybe but true and hard to discount.

I have people around me who have included me in their lives, but the thought of that deepens my sadness. Will it always be this way, that I'm to build my life around the stolen moments of someone else's plans? To feel connected I'll have to impose myself on those around me. Plans must be made so that I won't feel left out. This makes me sad and adds to my isolation. I do not desire to be the burden, the "oh don't forget about", the "she's here by herself" in your conversations. But here I am and here I sit, yes alone, yes depressed, and yes I'm certain things will change. One day soon, I'll take one step then the next, I'll adjust and this moment will be just that a moment in time, a stutter in my confidence, a pause in the greater plan. There are times when I wish I didn't have to wish, where I would have been blessed with but a portion of the lives I see around me. Something more than this pink robe for comfort, more than my vivid day dreams of what could be...tomorrow should be better. Today I've come home early, I think I needed to be here.

Saturday, November 29, 2008

Happy Turkey Day

It's year #2 in Denver and L Thomson and my neighbors have come through again. I spent the day eating fantastic food and drinking good wines amongst wonderful conversation. But I learned my lesson from last year - multiple meals with no limitations can lead to a world of hurt. Not this time, my friends, moderation was my mantra even though it was seriously hard. William, that butternut squash soup and stuffing was the bomb. Kudos to you, you get the Golden Turkey Baster award this year.

I ended the evening at a place called Charlie Brown's. Ummm adventure, would be a good way to describe it. The place is reminiscent of a smokey (if smoking was still allowed in Denver bars) piano bar, full of men and women who've enjoyed their day and aren't ready to let the good times go. Did I mention it looks like it might be connected to a half way house or home for local transients? Yeah, this place while quaint, has seen better days. Thank goodness it was late and I really enjoyed the cocktails Skip made earlier. Oh yeah, the Golden Martini Shaker goes to mix master Skip - you rock a Peach Bellini my friend!

Our small table grew from 5 to 7 then 10. And while we chose to sing in a tone and volume less like those of our drunken counterparts sing along we did.

In the end I can say I met several lovely boys that night. Three shared with me a meal to end all holiday meals and 2 caused me to blush over beers and whiskey drinks. But you know me, highly successful in friendship cultivation, crap ass at flirting.

So a few hours later I found myself walking out with one arm around my new found friend. Yep...this was more like me, heading home with a boy who's told me I'm beautiful. I smile...then laugh, as he hurls himself ass first into the bushes. This is my life...welcome.

Gobble, Gobble my friends.
**Oh yeah, did you see the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade got Rick rolled??

Sunday, November 16, 2008

"Sometimes your friends are your family..."

A friend told me that yesterday. And I believe her. I lost another member of my family today. Good bye and God speed, you will be missed.

Tuesday, November 11, 2008

Veterans, Votes, and Victory

It's Veterans Day and thus ends 3 weeks of insanity in my life. As you all know Veterans Day and the days proceeding it I become PAO on 24 hour call. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE my job, I know you all know that. But I really wish restaurants, elementary schools, insurance agents, reporters, and television producers would reach out to our veteran heroes on days other than this esteemed Federal Holiday. I reach out and pitch ways for us to parnter, I beg for their support and coverage of our activities and for one reason or another they're busy, previously engaged, their show is set, or they've filed their story - no room for the VA. OK-OK enough bitching...I know you've all heard me say this a million times before. If only I had their attention the remaining 364 days of the year.

Working non-stop can not squelch my excitment and I know many of you share my feelings. A hearty welcome aboard to the new first family otherwise known as Renegade, Renaissance, Radiance, and Rosebud on Secret Service radio channels. The Obamas are coming to Washington. I believe November 4th was my "where were you when" moment. I was on the couch watching the final moments of his acceptance speech when the tears began to roll. I'm a pessimist, I know it. I have little faith in good things happening just because I want it badly. But this gives me pause.

I remember not being genuine about my feelings to those around me, because of my fears of what could happen, and the reality of what may not. And on the days when I thought I was being too cautious and overly sensitive I'd hear reports of Congressman Murtha proudly stating the citizens of Western Pennsylvania are rednecks, they won't vote for a black man. Reinforcing my fears and shaking my confidence. For every hopeful step I took forward another sent me reeling 5-6-7 backwards. I love the freedom and opportunities I have in this country, but my fears of success and failures based on the color of my skin cloud my actions everyday.

While I know it's incredibly selfish, last Tuesday was not only Barack Obama's moment it was my moment too. It was my sister's moment, as she continues to serve a country that denies her the opportunity to fight along the same soldiers she's trained with for over 14 years because she's a woman and women in combat isn't "right." It was my cousin Kimberly's moment. She's a sucessful architect who I unabashedly brag about designing the Victoria's Secret in Times Square and the W Hotel on Michigan Avenue. But to this day is paid a fraction of what her male counterparts are paid to design grocery store bank kiosks. It was for my father, a man who at one time had a bright future full of potential and opportunity who never hesitated to remind his daughters of theirs.

Our possibilities were but a secret shared with others like us. I remember "The Boys," a group of successful black men working for Monsanto in the 80's. The had a bond unlike any other I'd ever known. They're wives were my second, third, and fourth mothers and their children my brothers and sisters. I knew them by name; Hudie, Ralph, Mike, Clarence...they were my idols, they had it all, they were what I aspired to be. And although they were different, in so many ways, we were all the same.

Tuesday was my Victory day. Tuesday was the start of a what I can still become.

My love to all of you....

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

I Just Got Kicked Out of Boot Camp!

I kid you not, I, Christina White, was just kicked out of Boot Camp.

I've been taking this small group personal training class beginning at 6 am M, T, W, and F using Boot Camp fitness principles and I loved it! So much that I was getting my lazy butt up at 5:30 to be there. Today was all about running. We were running a circuit with a steep hill run, .25 mile trail, and push ups.

On my 3rd pass down the hill I turned my ankle. It was stinging a little so when I got to the push-up portion of the circuit I did them without putting pressure on my left foot. Our instructor was not happy with my decision. He started talking about the Biggest Loser and how people fake injuries to get less of a workout and then over his shoulder said "you should go see a doctor if it hurts that much." I answered, "I work at a hospital so I'll get someone to check it out there." He then starts getting aggrevated and saying, " it really hurts that much." I couldn't answer because I really had no clue I just knew I wanted to give it a break before I started up that damn steep hill. Next thing I know he yells, Go Home! I'm flabbergasted, what the hell is going on?? All I did was favor an ankle for a 30 second break. Next I here, "Get home I'm refunding your money we don't want people like you working out here."

So there I was getting chewed out in front of the rest of the class. Totally embarrased by a 20 something muscle head for taking a break. I wanted to cry - I couldn't believe I was getting booted from an exercise class. What was even worse was I got my ass up at 5:30 to get yelled at!

So I guess I'm back to Bally's and $120 richer. This crap only happens to me!

Sunday, October 5, 2008

Welcome Wagon

Sooo here I sit in Denver. The rain's starting to come down much harder than earlier today and the evening is getting away from me. My tendency to procrastinate is getting the better of me. I told many of you that I was going to start a blog this weekend, and that I'm all over. It's he work I took home to do this weekend giving me the hairy eyeball from the dining room table that I'm desperately trying to avoid.

The weekend was full of ups and downs...the house went on the market forcing me to wake up at OH god it's too freakin' early, so I'm not caught off guard should a realtor want to show. (Down)We took Jennifer out for drinks and fantastic conversation - sure it wasn't the traditional embarrassing drunken, bridal party fest that most brides-to-be are subjected. But I think it fit Jennifer to the tee. Feisty converstation, great food, super drinks and the warm sense of love and comfort from friends who are over the moon excited for her. (Up) It's the first of the month, so every bill I have is due. (Down) How the hell did I manage to make that mistake, isn't there some way to space these things out? Did I mention I was putting off working from home this weekend? My dormant profile on got some hits this weekend. (Up) But I'm not willing to pay $40 a month to get rejected from senior citizens looking for a little "chocolate love." (super duper extra Down)

So here's the deal glockenspiel...I'm the worst with keeping up with friends. I don't call enough, I don't write enough, and I most definately don't visit enough. But I swear on the success of the Nittany Lions (oh now you know I mean business) it's not because I don't love you. I sure do. It's just excuses, just a bad reality. I've let everything come more I say! I'm going to let the joy of technology bring each and everyone of you back into my life. So those of you near, and those of you far-far away take a few moments to check in and see what I've written for you. Because honestly this blog is for you, I'll write each post with you in my heart.

Oh this is going to be fun! Thanks to Meghan, my techno wizard, I couldn't have done this without you.

Damn the Steelers are looking AMAZING in the 4th quarter.