Monday, December 8, 2008

So I sit here

Please be warned, I'm taking the term blogging to heart with this entry, don't worry I'll be fine. But there are no laughs here today.

4:20 pm - So I sit here Monday afternoon, having left work early. I'm on my couch wrapped in a pink fuzzy robe offering me no comfort, no warmth, no harbor. I'm thinking I know I'm not the only one to feel this way, but I feel as if I am. So this is depression. What's brought this on, this malaise, this apathy, this desire to not engage. I learned that my aunt has died of a heart attack, adding to the dwindling numbers of White's in this world. As my 38 birthday swiftly approaches I was clearly reminded that my family does not live beyond our 40s and my decision to commit more of my salary towards long term care insurance was a wise one. And here the spiral began, twisting and turning, faster, and tighter. I know it will end, I know I will recover, but it's so easy to lean into this and loosen my grip. In my younger years I would have balked at the idea of planning to care for myself, planning for a solo life. But that's the beauty of the future to predict it is impossible to derail it but a dream. But truth be told I live a life alone, and with this life I must plan and exist in this knowledge. I wondered this morning if I would be one of those sad sad newstories of a body found days even weeks later. If anyone would care. Who would I call if I fell ill, who would come? Morbid maybe but true and hard to discount.

I have people around me who have included me in their lives, but the thought of that deepens my sadness. Will it always be this way, that I'm to build my life around the stolen moments of someone else's plans? To feel connected I'll have to impose myself on those around me. Plans must be made so that I won't feel left out. This makes me sad and adds to my isolation. I do not desire to be the burden, the "oh don't forget about", the "she's here by herself" in your conversations. But here I am and here I sit, yes alone, yes depressed, and yes I'm certain things will change. One day soon, I'll take one step then the next, I'll adjust and this moment will be just that a moment in time, a stutter in my confidence, a pause in the greater plan. There are times when I wish I didn't have to wish, where I would have been blessed with but a portion of the lives I see around me. Something more than this pink robe for comfort, more than my vivid day dreams of what could be...tomorrow should be better. Today I've come home early, I think I needed to be here.